Dear you,

***

Another Mother’s Day has come and gone. Another day where I cocooned myself in the protection of my home. I turned off my phone and made a plan to distract myself from another year without you being part of our lives.

It’s an ache that’s hard to describe; an intense longing that eats me up inside. I’m so desperate to have you here. There’s so much I want to share with you.

I imagine reading my favourite books and taking you on trips to the library and bookshop, allowing you to pour over all the different worlds found within and decide which one to explore next.

I imagine baking with you, covering the kitchen and ourselves with batter as we lick the spoon.

Sometimes I feel guilty when I sleep in late and enjoy it, worried that means that you think we don’t want you here. I’ll take the broken sleep, the restless nights, the tired mornings, if it means having you in my arms.

It wasn’t to be this year. I can only hope and pray that next year is our year. The year you’re ready to join us and fill this you-shaped hole in our hearts.

But if it isn’t, we’ll keep waiting,

love always

Your future Mummy.

***

I wrote this in 2021 and it stayed in my drafts. At the time, it felt too vulnerable and painful to publish.

We’ve had a five-year wait and now she’s here.

My body has changed. I had nine months of sickness before a very quick delivery and although my recovery has been good, I’m still adjusting to my postpartum body.

I don’t see this as a negative thing. Our bodies are incredible things. I still look at my daughter in awe and say to Dane “we made her.” I have been lucky enough to be able to breastfeed and seeing her cute chunky baby rolls reminds me that my body is enabling that growth.

I always dreamed of become a mother. When asked what I wanted to be when I was older, my response was “a mum.” Although my journey to motherhood hasn’t been the simplest, I’m so grateful that dream has been fulfilled.

I’m still in the early days of parenting but I am enjoying embracing every moment.