The steps I Am taking to find balance again
My days had become a cycle of waking, working, reading, then sleeping (poorly) again. I constantly felt run down and was continually pushing myself to keep going, keep doing. If I stopped, I knew I wouldn’t be able to pick it all back up again. I was spinning plates. It wasn’t long before they all came crashing down around me and I had no choice but to stop and try and fit my life together from the broken pieces.
My M.E. symptoms came back in full force. It was a shock to the system. I had been well for years and the sudden change to having brain fog, muscle pain and fatigue was not an easy adjustment to make. My M.E. can be diet related. I’ve worked out that I’m intolerant to gluten and dairy. I can sneak the odd bit of milk chocolate or a biscuit here and there but if I have too much my energy slowly starts to deplete. If I become stricter with my diet the symptoms improve.
This flare up wasn’t diet related. The first step for me was the need to rest. I started to really analyse my life to see if I could find a source to this relapse or if I could have prevented this. I had a brief blip in my health last year which was stress-related. A particular work situation from the start of the pandemic had meant a lot had fallen on my shoulders and when everyone came back to being able to work my body relaxed and needed some time out. I managed to recover fairly quickly.
But this time, there hadn’t been anything big that had affected me in the same way. Instead, I realised there were a lot of little things that had built up over time, things I thought I was managing okay. But when I looked at my life I realised there had been signs of a give-and-take happening which I had not fully been aware of/completely ignored.
In exchange for coping with these little things, I had stopped doing several things:
Creativity
I don’t remember the last time I picked up my big camera. I had no desire to write on my blog or post on social media. I had scraped together a couple of posts but I knew my heart wasn’t in it. There’s that saying ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’. I realised for several months my cup had been completely empty and I hadn’t had the energy to refill it. Looking back I can see that this was one of the first signs that my stress levels were getting too much and I couldn’t cope if things continued the way they were.
Listening To My Body
I had been feeling run down. I wasn’t sick, but I wasn’t well. I constantly felt like I was coming down with something and I was pushing myself to work because I still could. I have been working from home and I love doing so. I started working from bed in my pyjamas because I wasn’t feeling well enough to get up. If I had been in the office I would have been calling in sick, but I justified having lazy days because I could work even though in reality, I didn’t feel great.
Basic Self-Care
I have a simple skin care routine. I used to be someone who put makeup on every day because I enjoyed it. It also made me feel good. I had stopped doing my skin care, I had stopped putting on makeup and doing my hair. I feel better within myself when I’m taking care of myself. As a result of this neglect my skin was in the worst condition it has been in, I think ever. I also haven’t had a haircut in I don’t know how long! This neglect was having a psychological effect, I have been lacking confidence and feeling bad about myself.
Being Present
I love reading and I read a lot. I realised that I had upped the level of reading I have done this year and not just because I enjoy reading. I was using reading as an escape so I didn’t have to sit with myself and my life. I justified to myself I was doing something I enjoyed so it was okay. In reality I was escaping for all the wrong reasons.
Finding Balance
I knew my life needed to be brought back into balance and it started with a colleague telling me to listen to my body. She pointed out I had been saying for about a month I wasn’t feeling great but I was still in work. This was a bit of a wake-up call. I immediately phoned my manager and called in sick for the rest of the day. I was finally listening to my body. My symptoms got worse and my doctor signed me off work. He asked if there was anything stressful going on in my life. I answered honestly, “Nothing big but…” I then started listing situations I have been dealing with. I got about half-way through the list when he told me I could stop. He said he wanted me to deal with this sick leave as if it were a holiday. To do things I enjoyed when I felt able to. To look at ways I could help myself to get better because he really believed that this was my body saying there was too much stress in my life.
Listening To My Body
I had got into habits where I wasn’t putting myself first. I knew that needed to change. I got off the phone with my doctor and phoned a massage therapist.
I had really bad muscle pain. For those who don’t have M.E. or a condition that deals with pain, it’s debilitating. I had aches for a while and just ignored them. I booked myself a massage because in the past the massage has helped reduce the pain I was in. I know that’s not the case for everyone, but this really works for me.
Basic Self-Care
I’m not yet at the point where I have the energy to apply makeup or do my skincare routine every morning and evening, but I’m doing what I can when I can without exacerbating my symptoms.
Meditation
I have access to the app Headspace through work. I knew it was there, I had even downloaded the app to my phone and had flicked to it occasionally but I had never really made meditation a habit. I knew I wanted to be more present and able to sit with my thoughts without feeling the need to escape through reading. Meditation was one way I could start to practice this. I’ve really been enjoying the Headspace 365 course which takes 10 minutes out of the day. I’m starting my day with a breathing exercise and a bit of meditation and I can already feel my mindset is improving.
Stop Multi-Tasking
I am always multi-tasking which means that nothing ever has my full focus or attention. Before being signed off work, I had become really unproductive because my mind and my energy had not been coping with this continual switching of my concentration between tasks. This was leading to overwhelm and adding to my stress levels.
Researching Slow Living
I’ve realised this fast-paced life we lead isn’t healthy for us. I don’t want to glamourise being busy. It isn’t healthy. I’m learning to say no when my diary is busy. I have recently discovered Sophie’s channel on Youtube Malama Life and have really enjoyed taking a bit of time to contemplate slowing down and simplifying and how I can apply the principles she talks about in her videos to my life.
Using Essential Oils
I know that diffusing essential oils can really help put me in a positive mindset. I favour the citrus oils which all have mood boosting benefits. I had neglected the habit of using them as part of my routine and decided to dust off our diffuser and choose an oil to start the day with.
Taking Breaks From My Phone
I’m a bit addicted to my phone. I know I check it too much and I have the tendency to do everything on that little device. I have deleted some of the apps I don’t want to be using as much and have started to put my phone on aeroplane mode when I’m winding down for sleep. I want to build up to going screen free before bed but at the moment a lot of my books are ebooks borrowed from the library via the app Libby on my phone.
Creativity
My creativity will come back when I am starting to feel better in myself. In the mean time I have been turning to sources that can help fill my cup. I have started to flick through coffee table books that inspire me. We have spent a bit of time with friends and family we haven’t seen in a while - those I’m close with where I can fall asleep for a quick nap without them thinking any less of me.
When I am feeling better within myself I will spend more time walking in nature, enjoying the countryside and the world around me. Eventually, when my life is more in balance, I will feel like myself again. I will feel that drive to create.
The process of assessing what is out of balance in my life hasn’t been easy and I don’t think it ever ends completely. I just know that in my life right now, I still need a better balance. I’m striving for it but it is very much a work in progress.